“Love
your enemies.” Ahh! Enemies give rise to lots of feelings, but
love is not one of them. When confronted with an enemy, emotions
like contempt, irritation, frustration, loathing grip me and hang on
like blood-sucking leaches.
In
April of 2011 an enemy moved in with me, just crawled into the same
wee shell that I have occupied all my life and took control. I have
been anything but hospitable. I have railed against it and I have
used all my creative powers to try to evict it but it just clings
tightly and refuses to leave. My rival is named “Pain”.
Pain
has patiently waited while I have ranted and raved and berated it.
It keeps whispering, “You cannot harbour feelings of animosity and
feel content and at peace at the same time. I'm not going anywhere.
We could be much happier in these cramped quarters if you would
accept me, submit to my wishes, be merciful to me, hold me and cradle
me.” So here I am, slowly peeling off the leaches and cradling my
adversary.
Sometimes
I foolishly try to elbow pain out of the way and regain control of my
body. Pain screeches, “Oh no you don't! Remember! I'm in the
drivers seat now!” Pain allows me to give what I can and no more.
I am learning that I am not Superwoman and I am not indispensable.
Other people are very gracious about fulfilling the tasks that I
have been used to doing and they can do them well. Many things can
be left undone and the world still rotates on its axis.
But I
loved doing all those things I used to do in my old life. It grieves
me to give them up. Pain compels me to learn that clinging to what
was is counterproductive. With every end there is a new beginning.
Embrace the new.
I'm
reminded that any control I may have deceived myself into thinking I
have in this life is very precarious at best. Every earthly comfort
or pleasure could be blown away in the blinking of an eye. I'm
learning to cherish the blessings that are mine at this moment,
knowing that they are fleeting.
Where
would I be without corporate worship? Some Sundays I look around
while we sing songs like “How Great is Our God” or “Be Still My
Soul” and I see so many people who have suffered disappointments
and grief in their lives that make my problems seem comparatively
trite. Watching these people of faith while they sing humbles me and
gives me the strength to flap my wings and soar above the clouds.
Pain
has given me occasion to reflect on how blessed I am to be loved by
others. Sometimes having Ed hold me and cry with me has been just
what I needed. Invariably when I'm tempted to wallow in self-pity
one of my sisters phones me. We chat and laugh and I find myself
perked up and ready to carry on. My children have always been ready
to pick up the slack when I need them. My friends have
sympathetically listened to me grumble without judging either Pain or
me. So many people in the medical profession have gone the second
mile for me. Thank you for loving me.
With
pain comes hope, hope of reclaiming my earthly body and hope that
one day I will go to live with God. When I get to heaven God will
embrace me in His arms and say, “There, there! Its all over. You
are with me now and all the pain that comes with living in a mortal
body in an imperfect world is done.” “Therefore I do not become
discouraged (utterly spiritless, exhausted, and wearied out through
fear). Though my outer self is progressively decaying and wasting
away, yet my inner self is being progressively renewed day after
day.” II Corinthians 4:16. Thank you God for the lessons that come
with Pain.
